I heard so many things about postnatal depression before I got pregnant and it was just so surreal for me. Seriously? Postnatal depression? That can’t happen to me, I am too strong for that. Just to think about that was ridiculous. How can you be depressed when you just got such a precious gift in your life. Well yes, it can happen and it certainly did in my case.
First few weeks after birth everything was amazing. Michelle was definitely giving me all the power to just blossom. I felt like I was at the top of the mountain and the whole world is mine. Not long after my energy level was just going rapidly down. I wasn’t too concerned because I thought it’s normal. Lack of sleep, new responsibilities and my body still healing from labour should have a different affect on my mind. I was trying to convince myself that this is just normal. Some days were very good and I was holding on for the good moments.
I remember waking up one day and my body was floppy like it wasn’t mine. I felt so tired and my mind didn’t work properly. I tried to find the energy to keep Michelle happy and do things around the house but my head was just so heavy. My thoughts were going only on the dark side. I didn’t take care of myself, my hair was messy, I would stay all day in the same clothes and sometimes cry for no good reason. The way I was thinking affected my relationship because I just couldn’t keep up with positive state of mind. Usually I was the one that always thought about the bright side. I finally started to realise that this might be the postnatal depression everyone was talking about. I definitely was not ok.
How am I going to deal with this? Is my life really going to be so depressed from now on? The fact that I made the first step of admitting to myself that this is depression, was actually a very good progress. I finally knew what’s happening with me. Honestly it feels like a dark demon moved into your house and you can’t get rid of him. Every day that I felt good was like “yes I kicked this demon out”, and the next day he was back again. Like an endless circle that you can’t escape. It is a very complicated process and I had to work really hard to start getting better.
It’s almost eight months now since I gave birth and I still have days when I feel depressed. I didn’t try to get any medical support but I did tell my husband about my feelings. The conversation really helps when it comes to postnatal depression. Probably the most important thing is to get all the emotions out. If you are keeping them inside they just start to level up and it gets even worse. Depression is not something we should be ashamed of. It can happen to anyone, so don’t be afraid to speak about it.