Postnatal depression #my story

I heard so many things about postnatal depression before I got pregnant and it was just so surreal for me. Seriously? Postnatal depression? That can’t happen to me, I am too strong for that. Just to think about that was ridiculous. How can you be depressed when you just got such a precious gift in your life. Well yes, it can happen and it certainly did in my case.

First few weeks after birth everything was amazing. Michelle was definitely giving me all the power to just blossom. I felt like I was at the top of the mountain and the whole world is mine. Not long after my energy level was just going rapidly down. I wasn’t too concerned because I thought it’s normal. Lack of sleep, new responsibilities and my body still healing from labour should have a different affect on my mind. I was trying to convince myself that this is just normal. Some days were very good and I was holding on for the good moments.

I remember waking up one day and my body was floppy like it wasn’t mine. I felt so tired and my mind didn’t work properly. I tried to find the energy to keep Michelle happy and do things around the house but my head was just so heavy. My thoughts were going only on the dark side. I didn’t take care of myself, my hair was messy, I would stay all day in the same clothes and sometimes cry for no good reason. The way I was thinking affected my relationship because I just couldn’t keep up with positive state of mind. Usually I was the one that always thought about the bright side. I finally started to realise that this might be the postnatal depression everyone was talking about. I definitely was not ok.

How am I going to deal with this? Is my life really going to be so depressed from now on? The fact that I made the first step of admitting to myself that this is depression, was actually a very good progress. I finally knew what’s happening with me. Honestly it feels like a dark demon moved into your house and you can’t get rid of him. Every day that I felt good was like “yes I kicked this demon out”, and the next day he was back again. Like an endless circle that you can’t escape. It is a very complicated process and I had to work really hard to start getting better.

It’s almost eight months now since I gave birth and I still have days when I feel depressed. I didn’t try to get any medical support but I did tell my husband about my feelings. The conversation really helps when it comes to postnatal depression. Probably the most important thing is to get all the emotions out. If you are keeping them inside they just start to level up and it gets even worse. Depression is not something we should be ashamed of. It can happen to anyone, so don’t be afraid to speak about it.

Being a mother #Michelle

When you are thinking about having a baby you always think just about the best moments. It will be so wonderful to breastfeed and play with a child and all the bonding, love and happiness we will experience as a family. All that is definitely amazing but there are things as well that are not very easy for a new parents.

I was breastfeeding at the beginning and was so determined that my baby will be exclusively breastfed for six months or even more. I really wanted all the best for her but reality was different. My milk supply was not good so I struggled for the first two weeks with pumping every day and night. Sometimes I was sitting in the bathroom for hours try to get some milk and at the same time not to wake up anyone. My nipples were bleeding and couldn’t recover from one feed till the next one. After two weeks a nurse tried to help me and we realised that our baby girl has a tongue tie and she can’t latch normally. At that moment I gave up and started to feed her with the bottle and it was such a relief for us.

From that point onward things were getting better. She was happy, her sleeping habits started to get more regular at least we thought so and she was feeding easier. But finding a very good formula for her was a challenge. We tried so many of them and it seemed like we will never find the right one. She developed a big rash on the back of her neck which was a big issue and now we know that was connected with the milk. But at that time we were still trying to find a solution, going to the doctor and they had no clue what was going on. I had to put the socks on her hands to prevent the scratching and bleeding.

She had days when she was sleeping almost all night and then other ones when she didn’t sleep at all. Sometimes I was holding her all night and falling asleep with her in my arms. I am sure all parents have to deal with this but I have to admit it was a big challenge for us because we didn’t have anyone near to help us sometimes. But of course things got better with time, we established the routine and having a child became a real joy. She started to smile and responding with different sounds. Her curiosity for everything around was amazing and the long walks with her were always the best medication for all the stress.

Michelle is now six months old and when I look back at all the sleepless nights and other issues I smile. I am happy that our girl is healthy and developing as a normal baby. Being a mother is a very hard job but at the same time an amazing experience with lots of love, happiness and funny moments.

Being a mother #intro

Every girl is born with a gift to become a mother. I gave birth to a baby girl six months ago and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. When you see your child for the first time it feels like the world stopped at that moment. This is the kind of feeling the words can’t describe. Suddenly you become a mother and there is a button waiting for you to switch on. At that moment you have to transform from a care free girl into a very caring and loving mother.

My experience was just amazing. Everything went really smooth trough the whole pregnancy. I moved to England when I was three months pregnant and it didn’t affect me much. My routine was still the same, going for a walk every day and taking care that my body and mind were completely stress free. The bump was slowly growing and I started to realise that the moment when I will see my little princess is getting closer. We started to prepare for our arrival. Shopping all these tiny clothes, shoes, blankets and all the other necessary things was so much fun.

She was a very active baby so my bump was jumping and moving all the time when she was kicking. From my fifth month of pregnancy onward I was watching all the videos about the labour, preparation for the hospital and of course expectations after her arrival. I have to admit I was a little bit nervous because it was my first baby and I had no idea how everything will look like. So we were very impatiently waiting for the day when we will have to jump in the car and rush into the hospital.

That day eventually came and it was nothing similar as our expectations…